just a little page to write how my orgasm denial is doing. This page will be very sexually explicit but hopefully not so much as to be a problem. viewer beware. I feel a little weird/bad that i joined flounder and immediately just want to write about my pussy but idk... sorry. this is da real me 0:-)

I am self denied, I do not have a dom. Denial is a pretty inherent part of my sexuality. It's fun to see how I start thinking differently and how the way things feel change the longer I go without cumming. "Mind break" is a super hot concept and denial is a fairly safe way to explore that. Also the concept of getting used to something is hot. Getting used to not cumming, getting used to being easily aroused, getting used to feeling desperate. All very hot. I want to get used to wearing toys publicly as well. I've gotten pretty comfortable wearing them when going on walks or situations where I don't have to talk to people much and I want to push myself further.

Last year I stayed denied for the first 60 days of the year, the entire month of January I only touched my nipples. I used to not be that into touching them from dysphoria, but i like it so much now. Its so hot that I reprogrammed my mind.

My last orgasm was around the 20th of december 2025.

I plan to stay denied until March 21, 2026. The whole winter. I would love to try an entire year. If I can do a year, then denial might be my permanent state.~ I love the idea of only cumming if someone else makes me, might be something that i end up trying if i stay denied long term.

I am allowing ruins since they honestly really suck and sometimes even hurt lol and they don't relieve that much pressure. Its just so I can fuck up while edging or if im having trouble getting back to other life things. Ideally I want to ruin less as time goes on, but im not too worried about it.

journal

jan 18 2026

I ruined twice yesterday but I still feel insane. 30 days! I spent 5 hours plugged yesterday and pumped my clit. It got so big, and that was my 2nd time only! With practice i think I can get it pretty huge 🥴. I shaved my pussy which feels nice and it's easier to masturbate, i need to keep on top of it though. I want to try getting waxed but its intimidating and expensive. I put my small plug back in this morning and its like putting on a ring or watch you always have. It already feels natural. My poor clit feels beat up lol, might need to no touch for a while. I was trying to ruin this morning so I could feel less crazy, but my body wasn't letting me. ;;

jan 17 2026

This one is extra horny just as a warning SORRY.

Thought about going on a walk plugged later and it made me so horny I had to start playing with my nipples. It felt soo fucking good. Having a few days of no touch really makes a difference. I pumped my nipples too, but i went really low pressure. They ended up falling off when I started to masturbate in earnest. I edged a lot :^) I bet it feels so fucking good to fuck my pussy. Its so hot, wet, soft and swollen in there. Denial is awesome because I start to feel both sides of touching myself and really enjoy how my body feels under my hands.

I experienced this like phantom orgasm spasm which was cool. I was shaking somewhat involuntarily, you would assume I was cumming if you were watching me, but there was absolutely none of the brain chemical electric feelings of orgasming. It wasn't a ruin either. This would sometimes happen last year, and its really amazing. It feels super satisfying and its a nice way to finish edging without a ruin. I was practicing last year to try and convince myself that is actually an orgasm. I think i can move the goalpost of what cumming is to whatever I want if i try. It would be really sick if this became my normal. Ruins are starting to feel that way slowly but surely.

I'm really happy with how my denial is going this time. Ruins are really the secret to balancing this lifestyle. If I can experience overwhelming desire to touch and instantly get flushed and wet that quickly, I am in the right headspace. I don't think that I'm Not Horny Enough. I'm insanely horny lol its awesome, I'm just getting used to it, which is amazing. Once I get used to feeling this way, I can start pushing myself to go just a little deeper and I know I'll get used to that too. I hope at some point I'll feel normal about wearing huge toys around. I want to buy the biggest squarepeg toys pussy plug they have so badly. I have the XL, which was the biggest one at the time, but its not big enough for me anymore. Like it feels really good, and is Very Big but it doesn't challenge me like it used to. I just bought the pumps though so I'll hold off for now.. I also get a little self conscious that I'll stretch myself too much and won't be nice to fuck, which is pretty stupid. It's my cunt.. The toy i want is 3" at the widest point, and is soft, that is big but people who are into stretching go wayyy bigger sometimes.

I have one small and one XL. They are super high quality!

https://www.squarepegtoys.com/product/g-squeeze/

jan 16 2026

Had my first horny dream. My crush was playing with my nipples and it felt insanely good. I was thinking "wow it feels so much better if you actually like the person"

Yikes. I usually only have sexual dreams about masturbating so this was a nice change at least lol. Even if it was spiritually rude.

jan 13 2026

Honestly right after writing about how annoyed I felt, I had a really incredible time edging. i've gone past that point where my body expects to cum, and I am feeling super insane and effervescent! On saturday I edged a bunch and then went on a long walk with a plug in. It got dark otw back and I was naked and fucking myself outside in the woods. It was seriously so awesome, so fun and kinda romantic and feral. Feels really good to explore with myself. You can do really learn a lot just on your own. Being naked outside (and in public) was amazing, its now a new years resolution to do it as much as i can.

My pumps came last night, and in typical fashion my pussy pump is too big (i knew it would be...) and i hurt myself a bit pumping my nipples lol. It just feels so good when its a little painful, but i broke some blood vessals and had little bruises on my nips. They aready are pretty much gone today so it wasnt too bad. I used one of the nipple cylinders for my clit. I thought it would be too small but it got slurped in comfortably. Really had to force myself to not pump with too much pressure. No injuries there! It's such a weird feeling so swollen but also it makes you less sensitive at the same time. It feels really good to be so plump and full. My clit is comfortably sore today from being so horny and edging a million times recently and it feels so nice.

I think i want to not edge for a few days since I'm at a really good point right now. Any more and I won't be able to function, I'm already struggling at work today. This is what i wanted though, I'll get used to it! This is how im supposed to feel, its normal.

jan 10 2026

I'm frustrated with myself for ruining the other day. I'm just not as horny as I want to be which is silly, but i dunno.. I just want to be in that headspace already. Yesterday I got a pap smear and I s2g I always have to get my pelvis examined every time I am doing denial. I worry the doctor is somehow gonna tell that i've been horny? Which is so insane lmao. I just don't want to start getting turned on when they're examining me, which never happens of course. Having a doctor swab your cervix is not fun or hot. (You think it could be a little fun, but no..) It wasn't bad, I was expecting to hate it a lot more, but I'm still a little crampy and spiritually drained from it. Like dude maybe that is why you aren't magically in subspace all the time already. Also I have been denied for 3 weeks now, but the first week or so I was recovering from a UTI so it wasn't only a fun BDSM thing. TMI (at this point?) but i think that doing reverse chastity with my giant dildo for an hour while doing chores last weekend aggravated my hemorrhoid, so its hard to feel horny when my butthole hurts. All of this to say its not surprising that i'm not in a fun headspace right now, and I have MONTHS to be horny. It's really not that serious but I am bummed out my mood is so shit recently.

-

Honestly writing about why I love denial has made me feel a bit better :~) I wish my pump would hurry up and get here.

jan 8 2026

Im sleeping a lot better now. I woke up pretty horny but it wasnt particularly nice or different. It wasnt weird or anxious feeling at least. I want to wear toys to work but my roids are back and I dont want to aggravate them. My pussy and nip pumps are supposed to arrive on monday and im so excited. It would be so hot to pump in the mornings before work and just be swollen all day.

I (my body) still expects to orgasm when im masturbating, I wonder when that will go away. I remember it did at some point. Saying "no" aloud and spanking helps though.